wahhhh this is going to be like the loneliest most boring week of my life.
I feel really shitty about everything lately. No one is as close to me as they used to be, and I don’t really understand why. I just feel really lonely :(
Neither of us are perfect, and guess how many fucks I give? Zero, bro.
I just want to be waking up next to you in the morning, telling you your breath is stanky, but kissing you anyway. Having days where the most important question will be whether we mostly play Minecraft or zombies.
I really can’t explain why I feel the way I do about you, but it’s there, and I truly mean it when I say I could wake up to your adorable face for as many mornings as you’d let me.
I just now realized how much I DON’T miss having to defend every thought or opinion that I have. Just one simple conversation brought me back to remembering everything I hated about him. I guess I was stupid for thinking that being friends with him would be different. At least I’ve changed since then though. I’m not so passive and I put my feelings first.. well, most of the time.
But really.. who the fuck cares if I don’t want to play a certain game, or listen to a certain song? SMD, THX.
I’m so grateful for who I (kinda) have now.
I think for my birthday present to myself, I’m going to make mini Adventure Time cakes :) In my head they look pretty sweet.
I feel like ass and don’t want to work, and I could leave early probably, but I really can’t because my moms stupid lover thing is coming over today.. so, that’s gross.
Please don’t change your mind again bro.
ps - I’m way too excited to play Minecraft again. letsdoit.
I can hear my mom listening to motherlover :(
I’m basically forcing myself to hang out with people this weekend. It’s kinda shitty though, besides the ONE person I’d obviously love to see, there’s really only one other person I’ve been stuck on and it’s always ridiculously hard to hang out with him. We get along great though, and we’d totes be cute together, and he has Adventure Time comics for me to read.. and swoopy hair. I love me some swoopy hair.
So tonight I might go see The Avengers with my mom. My ex hinted at wanting to go see it.. well actually no, he said he didn’t want to, but he would for me.. or some stupid crap. But I can’t bring myself to say yeah totes let’s hang out! I was really comfortable with him, so I know what would happen, and that shouldn’t happen.
Tomorrow I’m hanging out with James. I don’t really want to, but I’m making myself, because I know the only reason why I don’t want to is because I’m being a sad stupid face about everything. He wants to play minecraft though, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I still don’t really like him though.. I mean I do, he’s good looking, and nice, but he’s too good for me. He’s ridiculously smart, he comes from a good family.. His life is just in order. My life is chaos. As much as I pretend it’s always going to be okay, sometimes it just isn’t. Sometimes you have weeks where every. single. fucking. thing goes wrong. That doesn’t mean I should stop my life to dwell on all of it. I used to be so good at picking myself up and being happy with what I do have.
One of my bffs is moving near me so I’m pretty excited about that. It’ll be nice to have someone to hang out with more often! We’re probs just gonna get high a lot. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that yo. Thursday my mom told me she’d get high with me haha, cause she knew I was really fucking upset about everything.. sadly I don’t have any w33d. I really want to see my mom baked :( It’d be hilarious.
I’m trying my hardest to be strong for you right now. As much as it fucking kills me to see your face knowing it’ll never be mine to kiss, it kills me even more knowing you’re upset and not sleeping. The best friend side of me can’t let that happen.
I’m tired and all I really want right now are some chicken nuggets.
Now I feel exactly like you did. I miss us, even though we’re talking.
Maybe its the lack of sleep. Or the 3oh3 playing in my head… I’m losing it. I don’t know why I made myself choose. Hahaha yep yep photo finish, we always finish first that’s why we rap in the first place. Oh god why did I make myself choose. I wish I would just explode like a creeper. Ssssssssss boom! Hahahaha and I turned on the speech thing on here so itll randomly say a word I’m typing. Fuck you too phone
Why was this so adorable :(
I LOST, I COULDN’T EVEN GO 24 HOURS WITHOUT TALKING TO YOU IN SOME WAY.
Maybe the reason why opposites attract is so that when they break your heart, at least all the things you liked are still yours to do without having their memory attached to them. Because damn it, I want to play minecraft but your stupid track is just there being all, “oh hey, remember who spent 5,000 hours building me?!”
I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I made myself not actually fall for you the first time around, but then I did. I let every single fucking wall to my heart down for you. I didn’t want to admit it I guess because I knew you didn’t feel the same way.
You weren’t a mistake, though. If you were, you’re the best damn mistake I’ve ever made. I still want what we had, and I still want it with you, and that’s why I can’t talk to you right now. I can’t possibly not want more from you.
I can’t help but still feel like we’re going to end up together. Something pulls us together, and eventually we won’t be able to ignore that you know.
But on the bright side, out of all the people I have, probably the least expecting have been there for me. My ex was really good about being there to listen, but it’s awkward because I’m basically telling him I’ve loved someone more than him. He didn’t seem to care though.
Having 3 new community episodes last night seriously cheered me up so much. It’s ridiculous how funny that show is. It was like Community as super Mario world.. What is not to love about that?!
Also, having this separate tumblr has reminded me of how much I really love writing. My absolute favorite part about high school and college was writing papers, especially about history. Why can’t there be classes about cats so I can write essays about the best cat breed? It would be pretty short though, because we all know the best breed is Scottish fold. THE EARS! THE SHORT LEGS!
It really sucks basically seeing someone sit there, wasting away, knowing that their whole life has gone by with barely an ounce of love in it. My dad is a horrible, selfish person, and although our lack of a relationship hasn’t caused any severe issues in my life, I could never forgive him for everything he’s put my mom through. But even after all that, hearing him say I love you brought tears to my eyes, because it’s true. You can be a bad person and still love and care about people, I guess.
I think it’s true, that when you have nothing you still have your family. I couldn’t put a single smile on my face today until I was with them. Even the most broken family knows how to laugh, that’s comforting.
It’s hard.. having so many people in your life but not really any one person. Most of my friends are only around when they’re having relationship problems, and while I’ll always be there for that, it’s not all I want to be. I want to have adventures, I want to fall in love, I want someone to be silly and play video games with, to eat disgustingly good food with and watch Adventure Time. I need the Troy to my Abed. Except I’d be Troy.. because he’s ballin’. Community reference ftw.
I’ve done more growing up this week than I have in my whole life.
Now I’m going to go lose myself in Skyrim for a while.
Hey, here’s this sandwich, it’s really awesome, has everything you like on it, and you know it’s gonna be a party in your mouth.. You haven’t tried it yet, though.
Then there’s this other sandwich, you’ve already tried it before and while it was good, there was a lot of stuff missing and it gave you food poisoning.
But you choose the stupid old sandwich instead, because.. I don’t even know why. Because your stomach wants to die in pain again? You deserve a tasty fuckin’ sandwich bro. Stop being afraid of enjoying something more than the previous one. People change, they move on.. but you can only do that when you make yourself. I know you too fucking well now.. You’re always going to want more. You had more, and you let it go away. You’re an idiot. I know one day you’ll realize it, and I hope the delicious sandwich hasn’t expired by then.
Yes, I just used a sandwich analogy to try and make sense of this. It still doesn’t.